


the steps we take are never enough

by letfelicitysoar



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-14
Updated: 2014-10-14
Packaged: 2018-02-21 05:28:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2456483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letfelicitysoar/pseuds/letfelicitysoar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sungyeol has always been hopeful even when he couldn’t see anymore. Myungsoo has always been bitter even before he couldn’t breathe anymore. Long story short - they’re both not okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the steps we take are never enough

Myungsoo is somewhat of a bastard.

He doesn’t bother with people and is afraid of multiple things, such as attachment and abandonment. He doesn’t do well with people because a part of him hates humanity and another part of him loves too much. Myungsoo is a contradiction to himself and is the gray that doesn’t belong anywhere else.

So when he sits alone at night on the rusty old swings in the neighborhood park, he doesn’t expect to be joined by another. It feels so cliche, Myungsoo thinks, like a drama or something because he’s sulking at a park and here’s the stranger that pops up and tells him not to do it or that life is worth living.

He silently wonders what it would be like to kill someone and then himself. Adding a sidestop wouldn’t matter because his destination is preset and there’s no escaping it.

Myungsoo doesn’t know why but the silence from the other suddenly makes him confess, “I’m going to die you know.” And it isn’t even a question, but more like a statement. Myungsoo is stating his death to a stranger.

“That’s nice,” he gets as a reply and Myungsoo wonders if there’s anyone out there who could be more cynical than he is.

So he scoffs and sits in silence and then the stranger says, “I tried to kill myself once, you know,” and this isn’t a question either, “I was in high school and jumped off the rooftop because teenage curiosity.”

Myungsoo glances at the stranger and sees a male not too much older looking than he is, with chocolate colored hair and pale skin and a soft smile. He thinks someone like this is insane, “Curiosity?”

“Yeah,” the male nods, “Isn’t that the same with you? Aren’t you curious too?”

Myungsoo looks back down at the floor and sighs, “No. I didn’t ask to die and I’m still not asking.”

“Then wait your turn,” the soft smile turns into a grin, “Let’s see who wins first?”

Myungsoo cocks his head but he likes the grin the other wears and it makes the corner of his lips curve a bit too, “Sure.”

“I’m Sungyeol by the way, you?”

“Myungsoo.”

“Well, it was nice to meet you Myungsoo, but I’ve got to go and return to the shadows from whence I came from before dawn.”

—-

It’s like a pin needle drops whenever Myungsoo sees his mother. The room goes instantly silent and all he can hear is that pin needle falling to the floor and making a noise so loud that he can’t hear anything else.

“Oh, Myunggie,” she says sadly and then doesn’t look at him when she cries.

Myungsoo hates her right now and doesn’t even feel bad when he ignores her and goes upstairs to his room. When he opens the door, he finds a small cart with wheels attached to it and a small green oxygen tank standing upright.

He grits his teeth and can hear his dad walking behind him, “We picked it up at the hospital today. We should try-”

“No. I don’t need that,” Myungsoo spits out and walks past his father and right back out the house.

Everything around him reeks death.

—-

Two nights later, he meets Sungyeol again at the same park. This time Sungyeol is sitting alone on a bench with his eyes closed and when Myungsoo is only a few feet away, Sungyeol opens his eyes and smiles.

Myungsoo has never been very bright or even very observant but he isn’t blind - no, he figures that the blind one here is Sungyeol.

“Hi,” Sungyeol greets and Myungsoo only stares at him for a while more, taking in the sight of misty eyes that look blank but still show color. Gray, just like what Myungsoo is.

“You’re blind,” he states a little too bluntly and Sungyeol laughs.

“Well obviously,” Sungyeol clears his throat, “I said hi by the way.

“Oh,” Myungsoo walks a little closer, “Hello.”

“That’s better,” Sungyeol closes his eyes again and rests his head on the back of the bench, “Sit.”

Myungsoo does as he’s told and sits beside Sungyeol, figuring the other has probably been blind since before he met Myungsoo. He wonders what made Sungyeol like that. He gets a little scared because he’s becoming too curious now, but he can’t stop, not when Sungyeol’s got his eyes closed and can make Myungsoo smile.

“You seem surprised,” Sungyeol says and Myungsoo only breathes in a little too sharply.

“I didn’t notice last time, I- I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize for something that isn’t your fault,” Sungyeol says and suddenly Myungsoo gets the idea that maybe he really had been apologizing for something else entirely.

“Besides,” Sungyeol grins, “I’ve got superhuman hearing and smell and junk like that. I could tell you were here a mile away.”

“Really?” Myungsoo asks sarcastically and Sungyeol laughs. Myungsoo doesn’t know why but he feels somewhat proud.

“Yeah, you reek.”

“You don’t smell any better,” Myungsoo retorts and he feels like he’s known Sungyeol for years now. It’s just that easy to talk to him.

“So, how goes dying for you?” Sungyeol asks and Myungsoo wants to laugh because it feels like such a strange question but it also feels so painfully accurate.

“It’s going really well. My dad wanted to hook me up this oxygen tank but I refused. I suspect this decision will cause my death to come quicker.”

“It probably will. You lucky dog, pulling the trigger yourself eh? Are you sure you aren’t asking to die?”

“I’m sure,” Myungsoo says but he wonders if he really is, “How did you know?”

The question is for the last time they met, when Myungsoo sat on the lonely swing and Sungyeol had stopped him with dry humor about who was going to die first.

“What if I told you I have a sixth sense to tell when someone plans on killing themselves?” Sungyeol tilts his head a little towards Myungsoo’s direction, but his eyes remain closed.

“Did you obtain that power when you yourself tried to kill yourself out of curiosity?”

Sungyeol laughs again and Myungsoo’s starting to like making him laugh, “Something like that. It’s easy to tell when someone is thinking about killing himself. I don’t want to ask, but I’m kind of curious now, why were you thinking of committing suicide that night on the swings?”

Myungsoo stirs a bit on his spot on the bench and even though he isn’t anywhere close enough to Sungyeol, the other can feel it along with the tension but Myungsoo sighs and decides that Sungyeol is a special case so he explains, “I’ve been having breathing problems. I mean, I’ve always had them, I was born with weak lungs. That day, I went to the hospital because things have been getting worse and then they told me that I was going to die. They said that my lungs are just getting weaker by the second and that eventually they’ll stop. I figure, if I’m going to die anyways, why not speed it up?”

And that’s why Myungsoo was sitting at the park that night, plotting his death and thinking about killing Sungyeol with him too because what would it be like to kill someone before yourself?

Sungyeol doesn’t say anything for a long time but when he does it comes out as, “Didn’t I tell you to wait your turn?”

—-

The third time Myungsoo sees Sungyeol is when he’s with his dad and they’re dropping by the hospital to get another check up and this time Sungyeol is wearing sunglasses.

Myungsoo doesn’t think he needs to say hello to Sungyeol or anything or to even mention he’s there in the same waiting room. When his dad stands to talk to the receptionist though, Sungyeol slips into the seat behind him and whispers in his ear, “I could smell you a mile away Myungsoo. I think you should start showering now.”

Myungsoo laughs when his dad returns and he’s got a bewildered look on his face.

—-

Smoking seems gross, Myungsoo figures and he wonders why Sungyeol does it.

“I should probably stop. But it’s really the only thing I’ve got going for me right now,” Sungyeol grins and pats the empty spot beside him for Myungsoo to occupy.

The bench is just as cold as the nights before and Myungsoo catches a waft of burning tobacco.

“What’s that sound?” Sungyeol asks and tilts his head as the lit cigarette hangs limply in between his fingers.

“My lungs, well my fake ones at least. My mother has somehow gotten me to carry this damn tank around.”

“Ah,” Sungyeol nods, “I won’t have to sniff the air to find you anymore then.”

“Everyone will be able to hear me now, Sungyeol. Not just the blind with superhuman hearing.”

“Well, that’s unfair. Here I thought I was special, guess exceptions don’t really work with you though. You seem like the type to not make any.”

“You’re right,” Myungsoo nods and sighs into the mask around his face, “You wore sunglasses.”

Sungyeol takes a puff of the cigarette before putting it out on the bench armrest and tossing it aside, “Yeah. My dad makes me wear em during the day. It seems like sick people are always being forced by their parents, even when they’re clearing over twenty.”

Myungsoo sighs again and laughs a little, “Can I try that sometime?”

“What? Sunglasses? I don’t really think you need em-”

“No, smoking. I want a cigarette next time.”

Sungyeol smiles, “Sure.”

—-

Breathing is hard now, Myungsoo figures. Obviously it’s much harder now because currently his left lung is failing and his right lung has to work twice as hard. At night he can hear his mom crack his door open and it’ll be tens of minutes later before she closes the door and leaves and sometimes Myungsoo can hear her crying. Pin needles dropping everywhere.

He drags the oxygen tank with him everywhere now and at first he felt a little embarrassed but figured people are going to look either way and things don’t start to bother him until he hears a few girls from his economics class say, “What a waste. That face hidden by that mask.”

Myungsoo figures that maybe blind people make better company.

—-

“I wish you could see me right now,” Myungsoo says when he sits beside Sungyeol at their usual dark park bench.

“Well, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see you so,” Sungyeol draws out and then Myungsoo’s chuckling.

“Everyone stares, Yeol. It’s ridiculous. It’s like they’ve never seen a freak before.”

“Yeah, I think even without those tubes you’d look like a freak.”

“You didn’t even know what I looked like before,” Myungsoo scrunches up his nose and Sungyeol grins widely.

“I can only imagine with your voice.”

“My voice is probably the nicest thing you’ve ever hear in your entire life.”

“I can assure you that it isn’t.”

Myungsoo nudges Sungyeol and the latter just grins even more.

“Actually, I take that back. I’m glad you can’t see me right now. You’d probably stare and stare like everyone else too.”

“I really aren’t an exception to you, am I?” Sungyeol asks but then quickly adds, “I’m glad I can’t see your ugly face either or I’d probably try to blind myself again.”

“My face is quite handsome, girls were complaining today that it was such a shame they couldn’t gloriously bask in it’s beauty without this annoying mask. You’d probably be blinded from the sheer handsomeness of it instead,” Myungsoo says all haughty but there’s playfulness in tact which makes Sungyeol nudge him back.

“I’m pretty sure I’d want to blind myself for the opposite reason, Soo.”

—-

Seeing Sungyeol at that park bench at night has become a regular occurrence to Myungsoo and he lugs the metal tank with the anticipation of getting to see Sungyeol again.

It’s particularly dark tonight and much harder for Myungsoo to see even with the dim street lamps, but Sungyeol is easy to spot because of the red glow from his cigarette. Myungsoo doesn’t worry about secondhand smoke and neither does Sungyeol because he just keeps puffing away when he hears the clank of metal that is known as Myungsoo’s fake lungs.

“I brought you something,” Sungyeol says and slips his hand into his coat pocket.

“If it’s something illegal, then I don’t want it,” Myungsoo says quickly because with someone like Sungyeol, you never know.

“No, you idiot, it’s just some cigarettes,” Sungyeol pulls out the small carton from his coat pocket and pulls one out for Myungsoo, “You asked last time so I got you some really generic ones without menthol.”

“Oh,” Myungsoo chuckles a little, “How sweet of you.”

Sungyeol hands Myungsoo a lighter and he sticks the cigarette in his mouth and lights it himself. Sungyeol’s told him that with years of practice, he’s been able to light his own cigarette but can’t light anyone else’s without accidentally lighting something else up.

Myungsoo inhales once it’s been lit and he almost chokes as soon as the smoke comes pouring out of his body. Sungyeol laughs at him but pats his back soothingly and tells him that it takes a while for people to adjust and that Myungsoo’s lungs are probably having a field day right about now too.

“Maybe you shouldn’t smoke anymore,” Sungyeol says and adds on, “You suck terribly at it.”

Myungsoo coughs more before putting out his first and last cigarette and then frowns, “But you got me a whole pack.”

“Take it as a reminder then. To remember that you suck at smoking when all it takes to smoke is to suck.”

Myungsoo laughs as he takes the carton from Sungyeol and then he’s leaning against Sungyeol’s shoulder and trying to catch his breath when he slips his oxygen mask back on. He doesn’t really mean to lean on Sungyeol, but he needs something to keep him upright or he’ll fall over because inhaling that smoke really was bad for him and his lungs are burning even more than usual now. Sungyeol doesn’t protest though and only continues to pat Myungsoo’s back softly.

Myungsoo really likes the skin contact, even if their skin isn’t even really touching.

“What did you mean last time when you said that smoking is the only thing you have going for you?”

Sungyeol seems a bit surprised by the question but he smiles anyways, “Well my dearest Myungsoo, being blind isn’t actually killing me. So, I need something right? Why not smoke my life away?”

Myungsoo kind of understands but kind of doesn’t because he starts to see the value in Sungyeol’s life.

—-

The summer is much more warmer and so Myungsoo doesn’t need to wear his spring coats anymore, but it feels weird because he’d usually hidden a few tubes under his coat and now they’re mostly all exposed, so of course, people look more than usual.

Myungsoo’s glad that Sungyeol never looks, only because he can’t. But he feels like even if he could, he wouldn’t and maybe that’s when Sungyeol starts to feel like an exception to Myungsoo.

Summer nights are longer which means Myungsoo gets to spend more time with Sungyeol and something about that makes breathing even harder.

—-

“Can I try something?” Sungyeol asks one night while they’re (Myungsoo’s) looking up at the smog filled sky.

“Kissing right now would be inappropriate,” Myungsoo jokes but he immediately regrets it right afterwards as he feels embarrassed.

“What?” Sungyeol laughs and Myungsoo turns a light shade of pink and is so thankful Sungyeol cannot see at all.

“Nothing,” Myungsoo says then quickly changes the topic, “What’d you want to try?”

“Well,” Sungyeol stops and thinks carefully, “I haven’t been curious until now because hanging out with you has become a regular thing and I’m just… Well, I’m just curious.”

Myungsoo wonders what Sungyeol’s trying to say and so he just stays silent and waits for the other to get it out already.

“I wanna know what you look like,” Sungyeol finally says and it goes quiet again before he adds on, “I know I can’t actually see you, I mean that I want to grasp an image of what the person I spend my nights with look like. For all I know you could be a figment of my imagination or a scaly lake monster waiting to drag my dead corpse down into the underwater depths where you’ll feast upon my lanky flesh or something.”

Myungsoo looks at him incredulously but laughs all the same, “I assure you, I am a real living - or rather dying - human being.”

“I gotta see it, man.”

“What? You mean like, touching my face or something then?”

Sungyeol hesitates, “Can I?”

“This won’t be weird, right?”

“Not as weird as you thinking about kissing.”

Myungsoo coughs loudly as Sungyeol laughs before he gives permission and removes his mask for Sungyeol and slowly he sees Sungyeol’s hands stretch out towards him and hesitantly move forward. Myungsoo can’t tell if the hesitant movement is from Sungyeol being nervous or because his perception of depth is completely gone and he can’t tell how close or far Myungsoo is from him. Sungyeol’s hands feel gentle when they land on Myungsoo’s chest and he slowly feels around before Myungsoo chuckles (Sungyeol feels the smooth vibrations of it) and says, “Sungyeol, are you coping a feel right now? That’s worse than me thinking about kissing.”

Sungyeol scoffs. “I am a blind man, Soo. I could be grabbing pillows for all I know. Nice pecs I suppose, soft and fluffy,” he says and squeezes Myungsoo’s non existent boobs before sliding his hands up past Myungsoo’s collar bones and along his neck and adam’s apple and then Sungyeol’s long elegant fingers trail the outline of Myungsoo’s jaw and lips and nose and cheeks and Myungsoo’s breathing hitches.

“Sorry,” Sungyeol says and asks, “You okay?”

Myungsoo nods and says, “Yeah, I’m fine. Your hands are just cold.”

Sungyeol grins.

Myungsoo closes his eyes as Sungyeol’s hands explore his face and a few times Sungyeol will stop over the same area twice and examine it further and Myungsoo can feel his face heat up a little when Sungyeol’s fingers draw back down on his lips.

“Can I try something else now?” Sungyeol asks and Myungsoo only opens his eyes slightly.

“Sure,” he allows and Sungyeol brings both his hands to the sides of Myungsoo’s face until he’s cupping his cheeks then leaning Myungsoo closer to him.

And then Sungyeol is kissing him and Myungsoo’s breath literally is taken away and he kisses back and Sungyeol is soft and warm and gentle and Myungsoo feels bad that he pulls away almost immediately to inhale oxygen through his mask and Sungyeol just laughs.

Myungsoo rests his head on Sungyeol’s shoulder as he tries to breathe and Sungyeol strokes his hair and Myungsoo presses even closer.

“By the way, I was right. Your face is awfully ugly.”

Myungsoo elbows Sungyeol in the ribs.

—-

It’s the first time Myungsoo has even been at Sungyeol’s house. He realizes that it’s the first time he’s ever met Sungyeol anywhere else aside the park bench during the late hours (and that one time at the hospital).

It’s raining outside and summer showers are usually rare but it was a dry Spring so it was bound to rain anytime. Myungsoo had been caught out in the downpour when Sungyeol arrived late with an umbrella.

“I contemplated whether I should go or not tonight but I figured you were too dumb to consider rain as a sign that you should stay indoor, you poor dying man.”

Sungyeol revealed he lives close by and so here Myungsoo is standing wet and cold in Sungyeol’s living room while the other grabs him a towel.

“You can use the shower,” Sungyeol advises and Myungsoo suddenly becomes curious about how Sungyeol lives his everyday life as a poor blind man.

There’s close to nothing in the small apartment room though, just a few necessary things, Myungsoo concludes. No pictures, no television, no lightable things that Sungyeol could set on fire with his lighter. Myungsoo quickly learns that Sungyeol’s life is extremely simple, that he keeps anything that needs sight away and that there are little notes everywhere. Small notes with indents or bumps sticking out and Myungsoo whispers out, “You know braille.”

Sungyeol hums a little, “Well yeah. How else would I know what the date is or what kind of cereal I’m pouring into my bowl?”

“Yeah,” Myungsoo smiles, “That makes sense. You live alone?”

“My parents live in the apartment upstairs. Took me forever to get them to let me move out, though technically it doesn’t even feel like it.”

“Well that’s upsetting,” Myungsoo says and Sungyeol laughs and calls him an ass before directing Myungsoo to the bathroom.

Myungsoo figures that Sungyeol is blind but other than not being able to see Myungsoo, he’s actually perfectly capable.

After showering and getting into a clean outfit courtesy of Sungyeol, Myungsoo sits silently on Sungyeol’s bed and watches as the other walks around the room. Myungsoo realizes that this is probably the first time he’s seeing Sungyeol actually move around. Usually they just sit on that bench all night until it gets really late and Myungsoo always leaves first. Sungyeol stays until just before the dawn.

It’s actually kind of funny right now, watching Sungyeol move his arms around like an infant searching for something, Myungsoo knows that’s the only way Sungyeol will truly see, with his hands and with touching, but it still makes him chuckle a little.

“Soo, you piece of shit, I can hear you.”

“Do you need help?” Myungsoo offers and Sungyeol shakes his head.

“I know my own room, alright?”

Myungsoo suddenly apologizes, “Sorry.”

“Not your fault, didn’t I tell you before to not apologize for something that isn’t your fault?”

“Right, sorry,” Myungsoo says but he only adds the ‘sorry’ to annoy Sungyeol, who in return, is very annoyed.

“Why do I even like you?”

“I don’t know. Why do I even like you?”

Sungyeol only tosses a few old shirts to the side by a basket and Myungsoo wonders how Sungyeol even knows that the basket is placed in that direction before Sungyeol’s walking over to Myungsoo and slipping his oxygen mask off and kissing him again. Myungsoo’s breathing is better by now and so he lasts longer at getting his breath taken away by Sungyeol and honestly he wouldn’t mind if he died like this.

Sungyeol’s skin feels really nice on Myungsoo’s and he likes the way that Sungyeol seems both so shy and eager to touch and touch and touch Myungsoo. Usually Myungsoo likes the skinship, but because Sungyeol’s only source of sight is his other senses, he has to touch Myungsoo and Myungsoo likes it so freaking much.

“Shit,” Sungyeol curses and Myungsoo can feel the uneven heaves from Sungyeol’s chest.

“What?” Myungsoo asks and flicks his tongue on the small mole above Sungyeol’s left collar bone. Myungsoo notes that there are three nicely placed moles on Sungyeol’s left side.

“Are you gonna be okay?” He asks and Myungsoo inhales sharply.

“I’m fine.”

Sungyeol tugs at Myungsoo’s hair and pulls his head back, “You sound like you’re a dying animal, Soo.”

“I’m fine,” Myungsoo repeats and tries for the mole under Sungyeol’s ear.

But Sungyeol holds him back and pulls Myungsoo up to straddle him. “Myungsoo, get your oxygen tank.”

Myungsoo doesn’t want to obey, but it isn’t often that Sungyeol commands him to do anything and so obediently, he slips his mask back on and suddenly feels upset that he can’t do anything to Sungyeol anymore with his mouth because he needs to breathe and Myungsoo would trade breathing air in for breathing Sungyeol in.

“That’s better my little space alien,” Sungyeol muses and then places his hand over Myungsoo’s exposed stomach.

His fingers are cool and they’re always lacking in warmth, but Myungsoo likes it because it feels nice against his heated body and Sungyeol’s hands freely roam around and map out all the tiny areas of Myungsoo’s torso. Myungsoo lets out a helpless whimper when Sungyeol rubs over a sensitive spot and Sungyeol smirks.

Sungyeol can’t seem to manage to do much aside from touch touch touch and Myungsoo lets Sungyeol explore all he wants and then finally he has their foreheads pressed together and is slipping a hand into the fleece sweats he leant Myungsoo and jacks Myungsoo off and so the latter returns the favor immediately because he finds it unfair that a blind man just gave him the hardest orgasm in his life.

—-

Myungsoo is so utterly happy with Sungyeol.

But it’s unfair.

He wonders why he couldn’t have met Sungyeol before, but then thinks that’s a dumb wish and instead decides that wishing he and Sungyeol could have never been sick in the first place would be better.

Slowly, he realizes though… Sungyeol isn’t sick.

Only he is. Only he is sick. Only he is dying. Only he is the one not able to breathe.

And Myungsoo starts to feel regret and worry and sorrow because what the hell? Life is so unbelievably annoying and unfair. One minute you could not want to live it and then the next you suddenly think being alive is the greatest feeling ever.

Because I’m alive when I’m with Sungyeol.

Myungsoo lays in his bed alone and is hooked up to a machine that helps him breathe at night and sometimes he wants to pull the damn plug and fall into a breathless sleep but it’s images of Sungyeol that keep his lungs pumping. Myungsoo hates it because his heart and his logical brain and his lungs all seem to function differently even though they’re all within him.

How are you supposed to die when you love someone?

—-

Life goes on, at least for a while. At least for Sungyeol.

Myungsoo’s lungs get worse. Breathing and air and smoking gets worse. Sungyeol stops smoking and Myungsoo still clings onto the carton Sungyeol had given him so long ago. It seems both short and long, both happy and sad and Myungsoo just can’t breathe the way he used to.

He has to be hospitalized for the greater majority of The End and because he doesn’t even have Sungyeol’s damn phone number, he can’t even call the other.

But it isn’t like Myungsoo wants Sungyeol to know he’s in the hospital, to have to sit with him in the most depressing room ever and listen to the slow beats of Myungsoo’s failing heart.

It’s just his luck though, because Sungyeol is blind but he isn’t stupid.

“Of course you’d wind up here,” Sungyeol says and sits by Myungsoo’s bed, wearing his signature ‘outside’ sunglasses.

“Not everyone can be as healthy as you,” Myungsoo says in between intakes of air through the mask over his face.

He sees the nurse watch them for a while before she leaves and then Sungyeol reaches for Myungsoo’s hand but ends up balling up the bedsheets in frustration before Myungsoo chuckles softly and weakly grabs Sungyeol’s hand for his own.

And Sungyeol frowns, “I’m sorry, Soo.”

“Don’t apologize for something that isn’t your fault,” Myungsoo says and he smiles and even though Sungyeol can’t see it, he can hear it.

—-

Sungyeol visits as often as he can and though he’d prefer to just move into Myungsoo’s hospital room, the doctors and nurses protest but Myungsoo’s parents find him so endearing.

Sungyeol is introduced as Myungsoo’s friend from school and his parents buy that and thank Sungyeol for all that he’s done for him and then when they all think Myungsoo is asleep, his mom silently sobs and both Sungyeol and Myungsoo know that he doesn’t have much time left.

“Is there anything you’ve ever wanted to do?” Sungyeol asks one day and Myungsoo breathes long and hard.

“This isn’t going to be some sad pity trip to the beach if I said I wanted to go, right?”

Sungyeol grips Myungsoo’s hand, “Of course not. I don’t think I could kidnap you from the hospital and drag you all the way there anyways. I don’t even think I could walk out of this room without tripping over some wires either.”

Myungsoo laughs and it’s sososo hard for him but he can’t help it, he doesn’t mind the burning pain because all he wants to do is laugh because it’sSungyeol and Sungyeol always makes him laugh.

“I love you, Myungsoo.” Sungyeol says and Myungsoo’s eyes water a little.

“I love you too, Sungyeol.”

And Myungsoo wonders what it’s like to die. He wonders what it’s like to love someone so much that dying becomes the most irrelevant thing ever. Myungsoo is curious about what happens after he dies, he wonders what becomes of Sungyeol the blind man once he is on longer there. Myungsoo is curious about how Sungyeol will continue to live in a world with no Myungsoo. Myungsoo wonders if Sungyeol will move on quickly and if Sungyeol will miss him terribly and Myungsoo can’t help but cry.

—-

“They told me I could get implants,” Sungyeol says a few days later.

“Will you?” Myungsoo asks.

“They told me I qualified that day I saw you at the hospital. I already decided that I didn’t want them.”

“Why?” Myungsoo asks and it’s so hard for him to just speak now.

“Myungsoo, the moment I found out you were going to die I realized that I didn’t want to live in a world where I couldn’t see you. In a world that you lived in and then I would have to look around and see all the things you could see but I would never ever be able to see you. What’s the point in getting my sight back when I can’t see the only thing that matters?”

By now, Myungsoo’s eyes are blurry with tears and his chest rises and falls heavily with all the tubes in them and he weakly pulls on Sungyeol’s hand and asks in broken syllables, “Happens. After. Dead?”

“You go to heaven, silly.” Sungyeol says and Myungsoo can tell that the other’s voice is strained too even though he’s smiling, “Or hell. Who knows, you’re kind of an ass.”

Myungsoo wants to laugh, wants to smile or do something but he can’t and the machines pump more air into his lungs and he stares at Sungyeol’s face and at Sungyeol’s blank eyes and at the white hospital walls and Myungsoo tries with all his strength to squeeze Sungyeol’s hand but he can’t. Instead he says, “Do. Something. For. Me?”

And Sungyeol nods and Myungsoo tells him, “Mask. Off.”

Sungyeol looks bewildered and he hesitates but Myungsoo just waits for him and so Sungyeol slowly fumbles around for the mask and gently he lifts it up and then Myungsoo says in a soft voice, “Kiss.”

Sungyeol does as he’s told and he places cool fingers against Myungsoo’s cheeks and kisses him but this time Myungsoo is just as cold as Sungyeol’s fingers and Myungsoo wants to ask Sungyeol what happens after he dies but he already did, but he wanted to know what happens to Sungyeol after he dies because he doesn’t care about what happens to himself. Myungsoo thinks it’s mostly unfair to Sungyeol than himself because he gets to die but Sungyeol gets to live and gets to love a person that he’ll never see.

 

He quickly places the mask back on Myungsoo who gets a little more air before rubbing a weak finger over the back of Sungyeol’s palm and then he’s gone.

The End comes for Myungsoo.

—-

Sungyeol sits at the dark park bench and smokes a pack of generic non-menthol cigarettes while drawing circles onto the wooden seat under him. He breathes in and out and sucks in as much poison he can get and he whispers to himself, “You beat me, Soo. Now I wait until it’s my turn. That’s what happens after you die.”


End file.
